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Sunday, March 4, 2001. My third annual Dr Pepper generic equivalent taste test hootenanny. A very special time indeed. This year we had quite a wide variety of Doctors, thanks to fellow collector/webmasters Matt Preston and Dave Schul, who sent me their regional samples so that they might undergo the rigorous testing process. This year also featured a make-your-own Doctor event, which resulted in some very "interesting" beverages. Those were judged separately from the commercial varieties, but according to the same criteria.

Guide to the Guests:
(1) Texan, (2) Archenemy Partner, (3) Archenemy-Associated Band Member, (4) Roommate, (5) "Special" Friend, (6) Sibling, (7) Some other friend who does not fall into the above categories

And now for the big chart. Winners in red. Losers in blue.

Dr. B
We had a small bottle and a can of this stuff. It seemed a bit fruitier than Dr Pepper. Remarks ranged from "awful" to "good" and "dry" to "wet." Go figure. People were sort of split over the bottle vs. the can. The Can is definitely more classy-looking, maybe a tad boring, but it does seem like somebody actually made an effort to design it, which is good. The bottle had wacky, John Kricfalusi-inspired typography. Some people found this too wacky. Everybody pretty much agreed the name was lacking.

Dr. Choice
Says Nick: The black cherry mistake. Meaghan went one further, calling it "cherry slush puppie flavor gone wrong. YUCK!". People generally didn't like this one too much. Seth called it "Dr Bad Choice" and he didn't even taste it. And I have no idea why the label design scored as high as it did. Really bad competing scripty and goofy typefaces. It made me shudder.

Dr. Dazzle
Again, not so popular: "Two parts cherry coke, one part runoff" (Justin) "Cough syrup" (Me) "What the hell?" (Pete)... Several people pointed out a weird aftertaste. The label was ugly, yet I found it somehow charming in its amateurness. Maybe because it was purple and had funny polka dots. My brother also found it "comforting." Maybe it runs in the family. Scott called it "maybe the best named product -- ever! EVER!"

Dr Fine
Verdict on this one was that it was pretty plastic-y tasting. My brother pointed out a "buttery" aftertaste. ick. Now as for the label, it started out looking like a dress I would wear. Sort of a 60's op art kinda thing with polka dots and swirly lines. But then they had to go and completely ruin it by sticking a cheezy cartoon typeface on there! What were they thinking? Alas, I fear that like most of these other can designers, they just weren't thinking.

Dr IGA
"The bottom falls out." says Justin. "Tastes like green hospital scrubs but still creepy" says Nick. Justin and Nick are kind of cryptic. But I think they get across the point that this was pretty bad. Bad name, bad typography on can, blah.

Dr M
"Watery but not unenjoyable," "harmless," "thin," this one seemed a little week, but we still liked it. Go figure. I think it may have been more Pibb-ish, I tasted some vanilla in there. Something vaguely vulgar about the label. dunno.

Dr Perfect
You may remember from last year that this scored very miserably. So what's with this amazing comeback? Maybe they reformulated it. Maybe not, it could just be that last year's bottle had gone flat. Anyway, Perfect now lives up to its name by being the overall winner! Congratulations, Bi-Lo! And the ballsy name? Scott has a theory: "Some folk, from the south, may actually buy into the 'perfect' promise...Marketing 101."

Dr R
Several people commented on the "adult" flavor of this drink. Justin started to feel drunk. We liked this beverage. It had a "Remarkable" logo on it. So why not go ahead and call the drink "Dr Remarkable"?? It sounds better than Dr R, and hey, this drink has earned it!

Dr Red & White
...or "Dr. Crud & Shite" as Justin so lovingly termed it. He also claimed to have had better soap. Although most others seemed to find it okay. As for the label, people were pretty divided. It had a hideous scripty logo printed over a rotated, screened-back version of the same hideous scripty logo. You can probably guess where I stand on the issue. Danny Gold couldn't decide about the name, "either brilliant or dumb," but as Meaghan pointed out, "they could have just called it 'Dr Red' but they went the extra mile."

Dr Springtime
On opposite ends of the spectrum, Meaghan thought it tasted like a cleaning product, while Danny Gold thought it tasted like mold. Other people seemed to like it. Scott cautioned about the use of a time-specific name, comparing it to a Shamrock Shake. I thought it was a pity the label was not nice and springtimey looking, but instead was pretty dull.

Dr Topper
I have to point out that the name cleverness results on this one may be a bit skewed, due to the fact that Sean's parents have a dog named Topper.

the real Topper. he often has that look of noble bewilderment.

Anyway, otherwise, it was a pretty "ehhh" soda. A little weak, sorta okay.

Dr Urge
Pete thought it was Coke-like, while Nick thought it was RC-ish (and "working class in its gusto"). The most interesting thing about this soda was its can: a very junior high notebook-doodling aesthetic. Sean found it cheery, while acknowledging that the designers among us probably hated it. I didn't hate it, but I am known to have an overdeveloped sense of irony about stuff like that. I bet most other designers would hate it. Anyway, the name is kind of vulgar.

Dr Wild
"This tastes like ass. Fuck this." said my pottymouth brother. Meaghan showed ladylike restraint in using "!@#?." Good for her. This soda was clear, not perfectly clear a la those clear sodas of the early 90s, but a slightly brownish sort of clear. This is because it's a natural soda. I suppose that's why it tasted like pencil shavings too. Some people actually sort of liked this soda but we all agreed it tasted NOTHING like the real Dr. As for the label, a few people really seemed to enjoy the mad scientist-type character on the can, who we're assuming is the actual Dr. Wild.

Dr Wow
Another cherry-flavored concoction. Some people found this to be a good thing. Some didn't. "WOW, this sucks," said Keith. Nick found it "odiferously offensive". The name really pissed Scott off.

Mr. Aahh
"Generic," "average," and "boredom" were the only flavor comments made on this one. And this was the big loser in the label design category too. Can't quite remember why. Scott complimented the name, "brave direction-- I am no doctor, I am a man, but buy me anyway."

Mr Ahhh
"Quite a slinky bitch" was Sean's assessment. Don't quite know what this means. This was a little better, and we did find the name "Ahhh" slightly preferable to "Aahh." The can was confusing, the store's brand name being in huge white letters and "Mr Ahhh" in much smaller and less contrasting pinkish letters (the can itself being that Dr maroon-ish color). I bet what happened is, the designer came up with this really nice can, and then some stupid marketing person told them "Make our logo really big and put it in the middle there" and then the designer came up with a slightly less nice can, and the marketing person came in and said, "no, the logo isn't big enough, people won't be able to tell it's our store brand" and then the designer says "but it'll be in the section with all our store brand products" and then the marketing person says "yes, but I can't tell what the logo is here" and then the designer (whose spirit has now been crushed) thinks to him- or her-self, "my god, why don't they just hire a trained monkey to do this job" and makes this ugly can just because they're sick of having to deal with the marketing person and they just want to go home. At least I think that's the way it happened. Maybe I'm projecting.

Doctor
"Ew," "ick," and "tastes like canned vegetables." It even made Keith instantly dizzy. We admired the simplicity of the name (Scott suggested testing its selling power on "Kansas folk") but what I found most notable was that on the can, it said "Doctor" in really big letters and then directly underneath, it said "Doctor Soda" in very small sans serif type. Were they trying to clarify that there's not an actual doctor in the can? (Maybe another marketing person was behind that decision.)

Country Doctor
Annie thought it tasted "spiffing," but she just joined the test and was very thirsty, so I'd take her opinion with a grain of salt. Especially considering Nick's assessment: "Candied tulips. Burt's Bees Soda." Now it doesn't sound so good, does it? Seth took this opportunity to point out that he likes beer. The can was ugly, but for some reason, we really really liked the hick-ish name. Can't quite figure out why.

Braum's Special
I tasted bologna. (Not generally considered to be a good quality in a soda.) The most remarkable thing about this drink was the can design. Baffling! Very large, rounded type (the IAMS cat food font, as Scott pointed out) on an unadorned maroon background. It was ugly yet somehow appealing. (Except that Annie actually called it "unappealing.") And there was a little picture of an ice cream cone nestled in one of the letters! Why why why? I have no idea. But I liked it.

Well, that's it for the store brands, except for one little postscript: while this test was taking place, Tony was in Florida, and brought back two more varieties for me: Dr A+ and Dr Publix. Which I was planning on saving for next year's test. Except I was gone over the weekend, and some drunk guy who was attending a party at my household OPENED THE DR PUBLIX!!!! Aaaargh! It wasn't even in the refrigerator. What a dumb-ass. So, when I got back home and found the open bottle, I figured that an unofficial taste testing of my own would be better than none at all. So I gave Dr Publix:

7 for taste
3 for Pepper similarity
8 for label design
7 for name cleverness

It tasted quite good. It was cherry-based, but did have a hint of that Pepper flavor. The label design was not amazing, but there was a stripe around the top and the typography was pretty good. I'd have liked the name better if they spelled "Publix" with two X's. It would be more rock.

Anyway, now onto our own concoctions! Sorry I did not take pictures of them. That was extremely stupid of me.

Dr Nick
Nick took a very DIY approach to his soda, attempting to carbonate it with yeast! Unfortunately, this did not work; it needed to sit longer, I guess. And the taste... "rather east asian in its influences, a complex flavor, but not particularly suitable for drinking." said Annie. "Vaguely chai-like, but worse" said my bro, who also experienced a shortness of breath after drinking it. I thought it tasted like Xmas trees. The label, or lack thereof (the remnants of the previous beverage's label with "Dr Nick" written in Sharpie) matched the DIY aesthetic of the soda, I thought. I also thought this would be the winner in the name cleverness category. It works on so many levels. But some people gave him a 0. Don't these people watch the Simpsons? Shame on them.

Dr Death
This was Sean's offering. Many people noted a Necco wafer-ish flavor (and Annie also pointed out toothpaste overtones). It was root beer-ish. You may be wondering why this scored better than a perfect 10 on the label design category. This is because Craig gave it a 17. I guess he really liked the pirate theme. I thought the skull was pretty cute.

Dr Enthusiasm
This was my attempt. Okay, I'm going to rant for a minute. I saw this Dr Pepper FAQ site, in which one of my previous taste tests was DISSED because of my mention of Pepper's pruney flavor! They were all high and mighty about the company's insistence that there is no prune juice in real Dr Pepper, that it's just a myth. Well, whatever. The myth would not be so enduring if it didn't seem at all plausible. The fact is, there is a pruney flavor. I'm not saying it's the only component in there, it's definitely a lot more refined and complex than that. But there's something there. (and the company only says there's no prune JUICE. they make no mention of artifical or natural prune flavoring. or plums (which are only pre-prunes) for that matter either.) okay. anyway, I did use prune juice as a component of my flavoring. I admit it. Not that I captured the Pepper essence, but it wasn't a bad first try. Several people thought it tasted bubble-gum-like and fruity. Annie called it "a nice cross between a red bull-like energy drink and a wax dog filled with candy liquid." yum? Anyway, I did have a fun time designing the label (no stupid marketing people telling me what to do).

Dr Zebra
First off, "Zebra" rhymes with "Debra," not "Zee-bra." We liked this a lot. It was really good. This was due to the fact that it contained a lot of Kahlua. It had very little in the way of Pepper similarity. But wow, was it good. We wish she had brought more. Label-wise, Annie had some problems because her printer died on her, but she provided us with a nice hand-rendered approximation of what it was supposed to look like, complete with stripey letters. I really liked the cute zebra. (Then again, I liked the cute Dr Death skull...)

So that wraps it up for this year's shenanigans. Comments? Questions? Want to send me your regional Dr? Want to be invited next year? E-mail me at liz@freezepop.net.